There's something nice in it. Do I talk about it here? I suppose I can. I have some conflictions right now about it. I mean, I like hanging with this person but we don't have too much in common. But last night was really nice, despite having to call off work today because I couldn't talk.
It reminded me of the first time Constance called me, after a time of hanging out with her. She had lost her voice, and I thought she had sounded (I know this might be slightly odd) incredibly sexy. And shortly after that we were dating. It hurt so badly though, having no voice. My throat was like someone had taken two large rocks and shoved them tightly against my larnyx. It keeps going in and out, I lose it shortly after I wake up, but it comes back after a little tea therapy.
Ok, last night was almost hedonistic. And ok, last night was almost Caligula. It was funny though, cause I knew who I wanted to make out with, but that wasn't how it was being matched up. So fucking funny. So I was trying to make myself be cool with it, but it was just too funny. I was drunk, yes, but even in drunkness I have this confounded logic. I didn't want to make out with (un)said person, and luckily I didn't have to do so. It worked out in the end, and I had some nice spooning, where, if there hadn't been a third person also crashing in the bed, I probably would have done better. I was pretty cold all night, and if that person hadn't of been there, I would have probably been uncomfortably cold.
The Caligula, which in my drunkeness I kept repeating outloud, didn't really happen. There were some intense moments where I was like what the fuuuuuuuuuuck I am really too old to start having these type of parties. And then, another part of me was all LET'S GO. I had a good night, pretty much. But please, you can know the rate of my drunkness if I AGREE TO KARAOKE THE THONG SONG BY SISQO. HOLY HELL. that was the worst thing ever.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
In Which I Am A Complete Asshole.
This morning I woke up and there was this oogy feeling in my throat. It had been irritating me all the last two days, and then I coughed and it hurt and something felt like it was sliding around back there. I said outloud to myself, "Oh this is great," and it came out like a froggggg, man. It has cleared up, but I could hardly pay attention in my Brit Lit class. Fuck. Sometimes I sit in that class and just think about how stupid everyone in the class is, which I know is rude and crappy. I know. Yet when there is a poem, and in my head I am thinking this means this and the poet is conveying this, and everyone is talking about bullshit cliche subject matters, I want to slam my fists on the desk and scream, "NO!" Yet I haven't spoken once in class. The teacher knows, cause he writes 'well written' on all of my shit, but he also asked me one day after class if I would speak in class. I told him I have classroom anxiety, which I do. I wish I could get over it, but I also don't want to sound any smarmier than I already do in this blog posting.
I also look at what everyone wears and think about who they are outside of the class. I wonder about the girl who wears sandals when its 40 degrees outside. You ask me, and I would say hell no, my toes would get cold! But there she is in a hoody sweatshirt, jeans, and flip flops. Then of course, I look at all the girls. I wonder which ones are in sororities.
So they totalled my car. Which is good, and which is bad. I mean, it is bad because now I have to look for a new car, and its good because now I have to look for a new car. I mean, you got it? I dunno, nothing was wrong with that car except for some cosmetic stuff, so that is probably why the check from the insurance company was better than I expected. I hated cleaning it out though, and I'm not sure I did so well of a job cleaning it out. Oh well, I have to try to think of it less as an intimate object and more of an inanimate object. My next car will be just as fun, and take me to just as many wondeful places.
I drank 3 cups of tea and I'm vibrating right now.
I also look at what everyone wears and think about who they are outside of the class. I wonder about the girl who wears sandals when its 40 degrees outside. You ask me, and I would say hell no, my toes would get cold! But there she is in a hoody sweatshirt, jeans, and flip flops. Then of course, I look at all the girls. I wonder which ones are in sororities.
So they totalled my car. Which is good, and which is bad. I mean, it is bad because now I have to look for a new car, and its good because now I have to look for a new car. I mean, you got it? I dunno, nothing was wrong with that car except for some cosmetic stuff, so that is probably why the check from the insurance company was better than I expected. I hated cleaning it out though, and I'm not sure I did so well of a job cleaning it out. Oh well, I have to try to think of it less as an intimate object and more of an inanimate object. My next car will be just as fun, and take me to just as many wondeful places.
I drank 3 cups of tea and I'm vibrating right now.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Most Everything.
Today I woke up feeling like I slept pretty well. I think that was thanks to the muscle relaxer I took in the evening. Boy, that thing at first made me feel wonky and laugh a lot, and then I was all nodding off, so I layed down on my couch with a book and was asleep in 10 minutes. It was a nice little 2 hour nap. I woke up feeling very rusty and confused and like my brain was taking a bit more time to tell my arms to move. When I checked the computer to see what was goin on, I saw Tracie on and we ended up talking over Skype which was nice. I thought I was going to be up later and get some art projects done, but the drugs in my body said elsewise and I konked out right away.
This morning was nice, sleeping in and not worrying too much. The car had been picked up yesterday from the Rally's parking lot, and nicely I still had all my wheels with my car! Hurray for a little justice in the world! I had to ride my bike to drop the keys off to the flat bed towing crew, and on the way home my pedal broke. Boo, injustice snaps its wrist in my face again!
My mom had to take me to work, and first we stopped at Kroger so I could fill my scripts. I have a lot more muscle relaxers. I mean, more than I will ever need. I might take one before bed tonight, but we will see. I might just take a Motrin 800, which reminds me, its time for my next dose. When you are used to having a car, your days off suck. Why? cause where I live, I'm too far from a lot of things that I normally want to do. My favorite bookstore is way far away, I can't go to the zoo, and right now my bike is not operating. 3 broken bikes, see how they don't run.
Normally I would go visit my friend's lil twin babies. I really don't want to stick at home. I need something fun to do. I have to think about a halloween costume too. Maybe I should work on some music. Grumpy.
This morning was nice, sleeping in and not worrying too much. The car had been picked up yesterday from the Rally's parking lot, and nicely I still had all my wheels with my car! Hurray for a little justice in the world! I had to ride my bike to drop the keys off to the flat bed towing crew, and on the way home my pedal broke. Boo, injustice snaps its wrist in my face again!
My mom had to take me to work, and first we stopped at Kroger so I could fill my scripts. I have a lot more muscle relaxers. I mean, more than I will ever need. I might take one before bed tonight, but we will see. I might just take a Motrin 800, which reminds me, its time for my next dose. When you are used to having a car, your days off suck. Why? cause where I live, I'm too far from a lot of things that I normally want to do. My favorite bookstore is way far away, I can't go to the zoo, and right now my bike is not operating. 3 broken bikes, see how they don't run.
Normally I would go visit my friend's lil twin babies. I really don't want to stick at home. I need something fun to do. I have to think about a halloween costume too. Maybe I should work on some music. Grumpy.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
We Are A-OK!
I feel like a bird poop on the windshield of yoh car. Splat! actually i feel pretty stiff. I didn't take my muscle relaxer because i was worried I wouldn't wake up in time to call off work. I didn't want to call the on call boss at 4am, cause that would suck, so i left a message at her workplace so she would get it first thing in the morning, then called her at 9am. I woke up even before my alarm cause I could hardly sleep. The car ins place is handling everything. No worries...yet.
bing bong boom.
I want a hamburger with cheese and I want a hotdog with mustard and I want some ice cream and I want some soul food cause I lost my soul somewhere and I want it baaaaaaack. I also want some chinese food from wei wei noodles...i wish they were still open. No no no, i want some sushi from kotobuki. you know? fuck, i mean fuck. I want comfort food. Wah wah wah baby michelle.
bing bong boom.
I want a hamburger with cheese and I want a hotdog with mustard and I want some ice cream and I want some soul food cause I lost my soul somewhere and I want it baaaaaaack. I also want some chinese food from wei wei noodles...i wish they were still open. No no no, i want some sushi from kotobuki. you know? fuck, i mean fuck. I want comfort food. Wah wah wah baby michelle.
Oh One Step Backward.
Today started off brilliantly. Interesting dreams, a long work day with fun people, two bites of cottage cheese for breakfast, last night was roasted red peppers in bed with feta cheese. I drove home from work late, had extra paper work I wanted to get done, and I thought about how I would like some feta cheese when I get home, just as a little treat before bed.
The stop light on Bancroft at Monroe had changed green, but no one was moving. The guy in front of me suddenly pulled into the right lane, and I thought he was impatient waiting for whomever and wanted to go in the lane over and pass them. As soon as he was out of the way, I saw the car coming straight at me from the other direction, head on in my lane. The car had to be going at least 45 to 50 miles per hour, too fast for me to do anything other than a knee-jerk reaction, turning my body slightly to the right. There was no where for me to go in that split second, and the car crashed into the front of me and sheared off to the right, peeling my driver side fender back like a can opener.
It was some sort of dark grey 80s hoopty type car, and there was no time for me to think about anything other than the single blinking type in front of my eyes "THIS IS IT." I didn't die, mercifully and thank God, but my body shook like the carnival flags in the wind at the Rally's to my right. I stood in the street, nearly midnight, and a guy got out and asked if I was okay. I told him yes and I remembered how the car had driven off like it had bounced off a metal pillow, rebounding and driving crazily off down the street. I called 911 and shakily gave garbled information about what had happened. The guy was shivering with me, it was cold like winter and sprinkling an inconsistent rain. I didn't want to get back in my car.
I called my mom and dad first, they didn't answer, I called my brother and left him a confused message. I worried about my insurance that I didn't pay this morning like I had planned to do, which is due either soon, or too late. Thats the worst feeling about this. I might be up shit creek, alright. I don't even really know. My paperwork never reached me because my drunk landlord fucked up my mail with the mail man (she put it with return to sender stuff for people that didn't live here anymore, and I didn't receive my mail for 2 weeks). But that is a poor excuse.
My parents arrived about 20 minutes after the cops, and took me to the ER, after their first questions were about the car, and not about how I was doing. I freaked out a little, screamed a bit at them, and my mom replied, "Well I asked you on the phone how you were!" Oh my parents. ANYway.
The doctor told me to take off from work today, since its 3.30am, and I have to be to work at 10.30am. No xrays, which is fine, nothing was broken. I was given a muscle relaxer, which I'm going to take, and a script for something or other motrin 800 i think and some more muscle relaxers. no big deal. I remember yelling about society and how angry I was. Seriously, second hit and run on that same car. Poor thing.
Pray that my insurance was covered through yesterday.
Meet the inside of my car.
Hello inner wheel chamber!
This poor car has seen so much and been through so much, I can only feel badly for it. I treat it like shit, and its had cans of pop explode in its interior and thai food poured all over its seats. I was thinking just recently about how it is time to think about a new car, but I get so attached to things. I really haven't had much of any trouble with it, and it has nearly 100,000 miles on it.
Being on the other side of the fence in the Er was not charming. I was embarrassed, and lets not talk about how I haven't shaved my legs for some bit. Then I had to have a cute resident, then the doctor had to touch my goddamn hairy legs, I had to wear a gown, and I almost started laughing when the resident was listening to my heart. I asked her if she could hear my mitral valve prolapse and she said, "Oh yes, I was listening to the clicks." See, my heart clicks. Yours beats. Mine, it clicks.
My mom and dad kept leaving the room when I was being examined, cause my mom knows about my tattoos but my dad doesn't, and I would never hear the end of it if he saw them. I have a feeling he might know, but probably not. I whispered to the resident about them and she and I laughed a little. Luckily, if you go to the same Er you work at, you get seen pretty quickly, and I was in and out of there in about 2 hours. Not bad, for Er time. Still, I don't like being the patient.
The stop light on Bancroft at Monroe had changed green, but no one was moving. The guy in front of me suddenly pulled into the right lane, and I thought he was impatient waiting for whomever and wanted to go in the lane over and pass them. As soon as he was out of the way, I saw the car coming straight at me from the other direction, head on in my lane. The car had to be going at least 45 to 50 miles per hour, too fast for me to do anything other than a knee-jerk reaction, turning my body slightly to the right. There was no where for me to go in that split second, and the car crashed into the front of me and sheared off to the right, peeling my driver side fender back like a can opener.
It was some sort of dark grey 80s hoopty type car, and there was no time for me to think about anything other than the single blinking type in front of my eyes "THIS IS IT." I didn't die, mercifully and thank God, but my body shook like the carnival flags in the wind at the Rally's to my right. I stood in the street, nearly midnight, and a guy got out and asked if I was okay. I told him yes and I remembered how the car had driven off like it had bounced off a metal pillow, rebounding and driving crazily off down the street. I called 911 and shakily gave garbled information about what had happened. The guy was shivering with me, it was cold like winter and sprinkling an inconsistent rain. I didn't want to get back in my car.
I called my mom and dad first, they didn't answer, I called my brother and left him a confused message. I worried about my insurance that I didn't pay this morning like I had planned to do, which is due either soon, or too late. Thats the worst feeling about this. I might be up shit creek, alright. I don't even really know. My paperwork never reached me because my drunk landlord fucked up my mail with the mail man (she put it with return to sender stuff for people that didn't live here anymore, and I didn't receive my mail for 2 weeks). But that is a poor excuse.
My parents arrived about 20 minutes after the cops, and took me to the ER, after their first questions were about the car, and not about how I was doing. I freaked out a little, screamed a bit at them, and my mom replied, "Well I asked you on the phone how you were!" Oh my parents. ANYway.
The doctor told me to take off from work today, since its 3.30am, and I have to be to work at 10.30am. No xrays, which is fine, nothing was broken. I was given a muscle relaxer, which I'm going to take, and a script for something or other motrin 800 i think and some more muscle relaxers. no big deal. I remember yelling about society and how angry I was. Seriously, second hit and run on that same car. Poor thing.
Pray that my insurance was covered through yesterday.
Meet the inside of my car.
Hello inner wheel chamber!
This poor car has seen so much and been through so much, I can only feel badly for it. I treat it like shit, and its had cans of pop explode in its interior and thai food poured all over its seats. I was thinking just recently about how it is time to think about a new car, but I get so attached to things. I really haven't had much of any trouble with it, and it has nearly 100,000 miles on it.
Being on the other side of the fence in the Er was not charming. I was embarrassed, and lets not talk about how I haven't shaved my legs for some bit. Then I had to have a cute resident, then the doctor had to touch my goddamn hairy legs, I had to wear a gown, and I almost started laughing when the resident was listening to my heart. I asked her if she could hear my mitral valve prolapse and she said, "Oh yes, I was listening to the clicks." See, my heart clicks. Yours beats. Mine, it clicks.
My mom and dad kept leaving the room when I was being examined, cause my mom knows about my tattoos but my dad doesn't, and I would never hear the end of it if he saw them. I have a feeling he might know, but probably not. I whispered to the resident about them and she and I laughed a little. Luckily, if you go to the same Er you work at, you get seen pretty quickly, and I was in and out of there in about 2 hours. Not bad, for Er time. Still, I don't like being the patient.
Monday, October 20, 2008
What Is This, A Freakin Dream Journal?
So I just woke up from this dream (I know, I know its almost noon) and in it, I was this very tall dark haired lady who was also into ladies. We were at this copacabana type deal that was right on a swamp. Well something had happened to me in the same swamp where some tribal ritualistic people had implanted some sort of hookabooka on my leg, and I had some sort of furry beast living on my leg. Now when it was inactive it looked like a really cool tattoo on my leg. But when I am doing my awesome comic book smash em bash em shit, it would kind of come alive. and i would push people into my leg? I know, kinda weird, but that thing has some TEETH on it.
So at the copacabana, I was half in and half out of the greenish water, and the leg thing kept trying to bite the fish underwater and what not. I guess I couldn't control that.
Then I was totally in this black swimsuit and everyone else was, and everyone was drunk. And there was a mom there and her three girls near my age and I was flirting hardcore (cause I could with a body like THAT) with one of them, and I'm pretty sure we were gonna ya know, and then I woke up.
But in a way, wouldn't that be a sweet comic?
(this took me forever to get drawn, because I was trying to draw ladies in swimsuits and it was impossible. I even tried looking up lady swimsuits, olympic swimmers, surfer, swimsuit model... and the results didn't help me at all)
This dream was much better than the one I woke up from where people had come to visit in Toledo, and nobody told me they were going to be there, so I accidentally saw them at the park (it was packed) and I just kept on walking and ignoring them because I was like eff that. Then I sat up on a weird tall man made hill that looked like an ant hill. And I played a guitar. Man, dreams are so weird.
So at the copacabana, I was half in and half out of the greenish water, and the leg thing kept trying to bite the fish underwater and what not. I guess I couldn't control that.
Then I was totally in this black swimsuit and everyone else was, and everyone was drunk. And there was a mom there and her three girls near my age and I was flirting hardcore (cause I could with a body like THAT) with one of them, and I'm pretty sure we were gonna ya know, and then I woke up.
But in a way, wouldn't that be a sweet comic?
(this took me forever to get drawn, because I was trying to draw ladies in swimsuits and it was impossible. I even tried looking up lady swimsuits, olympic swimmers, surfer, swimsuit model... and the results didn't help me at all)
This dream was much better than the one I woke up from where people had come to visit in Toledo, and nobody told me they were going to be there, so I accidentally saw them at the park (it was packed) and I just kept on walking and ignoring them because I was like eff that. Then I sat up on a weird tall man made hill that looked like an ant hill. And I played a guitar. Man, dreams are so weird.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Coat of Arms
I like her greasy hair and the way her eyes look soft and kind and yet devious at the same time. I like how her leg pressed against mine the other night and how I for once didn't pull away. But that is another story for another time. I like ghost stories and I like pizza parties and I like starting new bands that will only confuse people that come to see it.
I'm tired and I'm ill but tomorrow I'm going to the detroit zoo with my brother and then seeing Mates of State at the Magic Stick. It is gonna be good. I have never been to the ms, but lets hope its an easy venue to sneak up front. I want to eat from a hotdog stand. Why doesn't Toledo have hotdog stands? really. Maybe I should start one. I will park right outside Wesleys or Frankies and make some people happy.
It is getting cold out, so I bought a new winter coat. I like it, and I don't like it. I'm going to have to look at it again. It wasn't too expensive, but I have lots of coats. I just don't like any of those really. I really want a fall coat, but I am having trouble finding one that is warm enough. I'm just going to wear a hooded cloak and pretend I'm the grim reaper. The grim reaper of the supermarket checkout line.
I'm tired and I'm ill but tomorrow I'm going to the detroit zoo with my brother and then seeing Mates of State at the Magic Stick. It is gonna be good. I have never been to the ms, but lets hope its an easy venue to sneak up front. I want to eat from a hotdog stand. Why doesn't Toledo have hotdog stands? really. Maybe I should start one. I will park right outside Wesleys or Frankies and make some people happy.
It is getting cold out, so I bought a new winter coat. I like it, and I don't like it. I'm going to have to look at it again. It wasn't too expensive, but I have lots of coats. I just don't like any of those really. I really want a fall coat, but I am having trouble finding one that is warm enough. I'm just going to wear a hooded cloak and pretend I'm the grim reaper. The grim reaper of the supermarket checkout line.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
In Other Words.
There are a lot of things I don't understand. I asked my dad once if when he dreamed he dreamed in Macedonian (his original flavor language) or in English. He never answered because he never answers any of my questions that would mean a lot to me. I always wonder what people sound like in their head. You know we sound different when we speak compared to what we hear ourselves sound like because of the vibrations in our head. Did that make sense? Anyway, thats why when you listen to yourself in recording, you might be like, "Is that what I really sound like?" And the answer is yes. That is what you sound like to me.
So what does your voice sound like in your head when you talk to yourself? I would think mine sounds like my voice, but since I will never truly know what my voice sounds like, I guess I have to say its what I would like to sound like.
I was thinking about pets today, and also yesterday. I think I wouldn't mind a pet skunk. I mean, descented of course. Either that or an italian greyhound or a king charles cavalier spaniel. I know, I like the pets that stink or the ones that are helpless. I also like the ones that balance on your shoulder but I don't think a skunk would do that. Pretty much at this point, any pet I would own would automatically be called Hazel.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Stipulation Hug.
At some point I took the point of not liking to be touched to the wrong level. Don't get me wrong, there are people who can touch me and I'm fine with it, and others who I just wish would quit giving me the bad shivers on my back. Strangers? No. Especially if it is followed with a "honey" or "sweetie." Then you might get my stink eye. Friends? Sure. Please. Hug the fucking crap out of me until my backbone splinters like a dry piece of wood.
Somewhere though, I said it enough where people will say, "Oops! Oh I forgot you hate being touched!" This came from my friend Dan whom I have known for 10 years. What the hell. I don't even remember telling him this. Yet we still hugged, and it was glorious. I waaaant to be hugged by Dan. We used to all the time. Maybe I sounded really serious. Then I'm getting it from everyone. Now no one wants to touch me and its giving me a complex and I feel like the hunchback of notre dame and I better go check the bell and make sure its shiny and nice and ready to be rung. I just pulled the cord and one of my teef fell out and oh boy its gonna go in my pocket for the toof fairy and gee oh whiz i'm gonna eat my mutton and drink my mead and then go watch them wash the horses down at the stalls. damn its fun bein quazimodo. (I obviously lost the zeal for this post.)
Well Here We Go Again.
I'm doing this for Marisa.
Now I have 9,000 blogs, 234 band websites, and 4,876 facespace accounts.
I'm at work. This little old lady came in and she had dirt all over her face because she had tried to escape the old folks home by digging under the fence. She has moxy. Because of this, and her sadness, I am going to see if I can volunteer at Sunset House. It is right across from my highschool, and I bet all the ladies will be dressed up in doilies and wearing shoes with velcro. That gets my blood goin' if you know what I mean. I hope you do, cause I certainly don't.
I had a really nice two days off, and this weekend is again two more days off. I had thought about going to Toronto, but like most of my travels, they just happen in my mind. I'm just basically trying to make it to the damn park by myself. I want to see the colors and run around. I wish I could find a field I could just scream-sing in and not worry about anything. I told Katie about how excited I was one night. I had this silly Etta James song (Somethin's Got A Hold On Me) blasting, and I was so happy and full of life that I started singing it at the top of my voice. But uh, it became kind of shrieky, and then it was punctuated by my laughter because I realized what it sounded like.
I want a burrito.
Now I have 9,000 blogs, 234 band websites, and 4,876 facespace accounts.
I'm at work. This little old lady came in and she had dirt all over her face because she had tried to escape the old folks home by digging under the fence. She has moxy. Because of this, and her sadness, I am going to see if I can volunteer at Sunset House. It is right across from my highschool, and I bet all the ladies will be dressed up in doilies and wearing shoes with velcro. That gets my blood goin' if you know what I mean. I hope you do, cause I certainly don't.
I had a really nice two days off, and this weekend is again two more days off. I had thought about going to Toronto, but like most of my travels, they just happen in my mind. I'm just basically trying to make it to the damn park by myself. I want to see the colors and run around. I wish I could find a field I could just scream-sing in and not worry about anything. I told Katie about how excited I was one night. I had this silly Etta James song (Somethin's Got A Hold On Me) blasting, and I was so happy and full of life that I started singing it at the top of my voice. But uh, it became kind of shrieky, and then it was punctuated by my laughter because I realized what it sounded like.
I want a burrito.
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