Despite everything bad that I may do, I know that God still loves me an awful lot.

Listen.

The wind is every now and then blowing my curtains toward me. Although fall is officially a few days away, the night coolness has been reminding me of the changing of season. I feel like the older I get, the more aware I am of it. Sometimes I have the though to do a video project where I ask people in the hottest of days if they wish it were winter, and also in the coldest of winter if they wish it were summer.

I stay up late because I don't want to go to sleep, that very childlike want to stay up as late as possible despite drooping eyelids and the tiredness of next day. I dragged through the last three days of work, too many hours in the day devoted to work and then not sleeping. It wasn't as if I accomplished much at night, I just didn't want to rest.

I haven't been sleeping well anyway, so it seems pointless to try to do so. I don't know that laying my head on the pillow would change the fact that though I do sleep, I feel the quality of sleep isn't good enough to sustain my energy through the day. I wonder if my change in diet, though better for me, is somehow affecting me detrimentally. I wouldn't think it would be possible, but hey, anything is these days.

Tonight I went and saw some bands play, especially I was waiting for my friends The Retrospectres, and of course, I was blown away by their talent. I felt a mom-like grin on my face, and in my head I kept thinking how I love these boys. Two of them in their forties, but still my boys. Then some girl I only partially recognized came up to me with two somewhat known friends, and they started dancing up front all around, though I was only trying to enjoy the show. I smiled and directed my eyes back up front, trying to ignore their movements. I don't feel like dancing with one's back to the band is nice, that just seems disrespectful. Perhaps it almost seems like redirecting the attention toward themselves. When the mostly unknown girl tried dancing with me, I pointedly looked at my beer which was empty and make the pretense to go get another. On the way, mid through the song, I walked right past the bar and to my car, driving home.

Something about that set me unhappy, though I was smiling through most of the band's set. Oh well, I can be like that, just the odd girl out who doesn't understand the "sexy dance" that girls sometimes do, which to me looks like little girls aping an attempt at being women. That isn't meant to be harsh, I just don't understand it.

You know...

I just want to draw pictures and have people like them but not tell me they like them but just know they like them secretly and then I get paid for it and because of that money I can afford to draw really neat and interesting pictures and everyone is happy children ladies parents moondogs and especially me.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I log in and log out of different social networks, facebook and gmail and twitter. I don't know what I'm looking for, but it seems like the conversation has gone stale. There is no intrique, no new things to see, and it feels like everything that was nicely jumbled up and interesting has settled. That's the worst, isn't it? Settling. I've always hated that-- in relationships, in friends, in fights.

Sometimes I think my friends are settling with what they have, but then I just wonder if I don't understand what they see in people, or jobs, or themselves. I wonder if the people that do well in life are the ones who are never satisfied. But that as well doesn't sound like a good time. Who wants to battle with never feeling full or happy with what you have? I don't know. I just don't want things to be predictable. I wonder if that is what they mean by habit. Maybe I'm learning people's habits, even on a white computer screen. These are stupid questions, really. Who gives a damn.

My friend Alison says you can't say the word scooter without slightly smiling.

Because.

So reminder to self, make a list of things you want to do on your actual first real vacation in 3 years. I know I know, it is only a week off from work, but IT IS A REAL VACATION! So:

Waterville roche de bouef.
Singing Fountains in Grand Haven, Mi.
That t shirt place in Grand Rapids, Oh.
That scary reformatory in Mansfield, Oh.
That delicious chocolate shoppe in " "
Gram's grave.

See? See how I do? I just brought all that down. Just by saying the word GRAVE. Also, an interjection, but my keyboard is immensely sticky. I find this to be glorious and funny and gross at the same time. But, I return from my digression, to say I think I need to talk to Gram. I watched a movie called The Savages which was supposed to be some dark comedy but just ended up being dark and horrible but at least thought provoking. It was about nursing homes.

Laura Linney makes me want to kill myself.

I've had a bottle of maple syrup on my desk for about 2 months now. I haven't used it in that time, as far as I can remember. I was going through a really stiff French toast era, and I'm pretty sure it ended. Someone told me to do powdered sugar and maple syrup, but that sounded like a bunch of glarp with whitish mess. That is like pouring sugar on top of your ice cream cone.

One of my friends started smoking again. I want to say something, and I just casually asked if they had started full time on this, but I didn't feel it my place to pursue the matter. I guess people are old enough to make their decisions and they should realize its just a slow steady movement toward lung cancer. I saw enough of that working in the cancer clinic and I couldn't legitimately keep smoking after seeing people's hair fall out, or their desperation to breathe normally in a day. It wasn't easy to quit, but its doable. It will be three years since my last cigarette in September I believe. Oddly enough I still get cravings and today when a rain storm began during the afternoon, I wanted to go down to the porch and sit there while the rain fell around me but not upon me and breathe in that dirty tobacco dust. Just a passing want.

I'm getting old, you know.

Fun at my friend's away from the computer expense.

Michelle: wanna be on top? na nana na na

15 minutes later.

Michelle: you lose. this is tyra banks. i'm using michelle's computer and wanted to know if you wanted to be on top. obviously you don't. smile with your eyes, tyra.

Chemotherapy Will Make You Grow.

My friend found out this week she has thyroid cancer. She's going to have to have an operation to have a chunk of golf ball sized cancer taken out of her neck and then has to follow it with chemo. The chemo that thyroid patients take basically makes them radioactive. So much to the point that sitting down on a toilet after she's used it could fizzle your fallopian tubes. I'm trying to cheer her up about it.

Michelle: yeah you might be radioactive.

Michelle: you probably will be. its not a big deal, just can't exactly sleep in the same bed with a child. probably a good thing.

Erin: lol right

Erin: i went to the oncologist today and he was like oh yeah you will be radioactive for sure

Michelle: yeah. for thyroid especially.

Erin: the nodule on my thyroid is like golf ball lol nice i suck

Michelle: make sure you flush when you peeeee

Michelle: turn out the lights and watch the bowl glow

Michelle: TO THE EXTREME I ROCK A MIC LIKE A VANDAL!

Erin: lol i wonder about my pets tho

Michelle: you can scream that whenever someone asks you something

Erin: and how come i have to stay away from people yet im fine

Michelle: because you have the power, much like he-man
Michelle: its the power of greyskull.

Michelle: ok?

Michelle: i didnt want to tell you, but i guess i should. they are injecting the power of greyskull in you.

Erin: yesssss

Michelle: you should buy a sword right about now.

Michelle: because you're going to have to use it, to kill terrorists.

Erin: am i going to be the next hiroshima?

Michelle: are you planning any trips to north korea I should know about?