The strength.
That skin.
Your arms.
Oh to be...
your stunning,
bride.
Sampson.
Your hair.
Glistening!
Like sun.
Oh would,
that it...
were mine.
Gutted like a fish, bleeding like a period, impervious like diamond.
I thought about starting a new blog, because I always lose count of how many people I've told about ones that are supposed to be secret, or people look, and people find, and then I don't know what I should and shouldn't say. Not that I like censoring myself, but you know what they say about little pitchers. Or something about rarely hearing anything good about yourself if you go listening with your ear to the door. I kind of like the way this computer looks right now, but only for this. I switched to Windows 7 and now, the font on my page, the pages themselves, are huge. They take up so much space that the simplest effort online requires scrolling.
I scroll, you scroll, lets keep going.
I shouldn't take advice from people anymore. People telling me to quit being me, to go against my ethics, and to be the bigger person. It did nothing for me, as I suspected, as I expected. If you go looking for something new from someone who has ritualistically acted the same way in every argument, you are definitely not going to be surprised. Its going to be the same. I used to fret back and forth about whether I was hard-hearted, whether I was taking something too far, but to see it turned around, the whole reason why, to be made into their own, it was like they shot an arrow at me and somehow they decided it was they who got impaled by its sharpness. Realizing that actions of course always deal out repercussions, I didn't expect it to become worse than it already was. You know, but I thought it could be better.
I guess not. I've been wrong before.
This winter is getting to me now, I'm ready for the action of summer when I can go somewhere and when I can be alone outside of my home. Not that I'm alone all the time, but I've always valued my 'me time.' Being single for so long, I know who I am, I don't need someone else's approval for an idea, or even an allowance to do what I consider my basic freedom. I'm very set in my ways. My brother shocked me the other day on the phone by saying he figured he is going to be single forever. I wanted to tell him that he has to carry on the family name, because I sure as Hell am not going to do so. I bit back the remark, because we aren't the types of people who speak in that sort of nature. Sometimes I think my relationship with my brother is very general. In ways I wish that could change, but I'm also wary about my privacy. And isn't it funny that I worry so much about my father's namesake? I really do.
I've been thinking about my mother a lot lately, I've been spending a lot of time with her too. Tomorrow we are going to lunch. I think I've reached a point, even if we had a tumultuous past, of total forgiveness. Who else has carried me through this mess? Certainly none of my friends. I ask people or tell them what happened and its like a switch shuts off. I get blasé responses, changes of subject. My mother has been a comfort because I think she understands me and she understands the situation.
I'm thankful for her, and I owe her so much. I think about the loneliness that is going to happen when she passes away, and I don't know how people deal with it. How do you deal with a parent dying, even naturally? I can't begin to imagine.
Anyway, I'm not going to talk about it anymore, because first, I wrote a post and deleted it immediately after getting a shitty comment. So it seems that all you can have is nothing but cotton candy on blogs, especially ones so out in the open like this one. I don't think this one will continue on in the same vein. I'm going to go back to my old one where I can private entries. I thought when I signed up for this that you could, but either I haven't found the button, or it just isn't an option. It isn't a goodbye so much as a changing of my shirt.
I think this is one of the best live performances I've ever seen. I've watched it so many times, and its so relevant for me right now. People are into all these new bands, and myself too, but I think eventually it is going to be cool to get into people that are really talented like this. I'm not a super fan, but I think she writes some really brilliant things, and anyone that can sing like that live is incredibly talented. Its the ending that blows me away.
